The Witness
Marc had been on the phone with his girlfriend Jennifer for exactly forty-three minutes—he knew because she would remind him every five minutes that he promised this would be a “quick Walmart run.”
Marc: Baby, I’m telling you, they got the chicken on sale. That GOOD chicken with the bone in it, not that frozen stuff your mama be buying.
Walking into the bathroom settling stall while holding his phone between his shoulder and ear.
Marc: Yeah the hell with what you gonna say, I grabbed three packs.
Jennifer: What?
Marc: Ohh nothing, I didn’t forget the hot sauce this time, I—
That’s when the whole fiasco with Nick started.
Marc tried—he REALLY tried—to ignore the dude in the next stall who kept responding to his questions like they were having a conversation.
But when this man started saying he was “draining his weasel” all loud in a threatened tone and talking violence.
Marc: Listen baby, I’m going to call you right back, there’s an asshole in the next stall answering all the questions I’m asking you.”
He heard the guy burst out laughing, which was weird, but Marcus didn’t have time to psychoanalyze bathroom weirdos. He had chicken defrosting.
Marc quickly finished his business, washed his hands, and headed out—only to realize he’d left his wallet in the stall.
Marc: You gotta be KIDDING me!
U-turning back toward the bathroom.
When he pushed open the door, he witnessed something that would haunt him forever:
some dude waddling out of a stall, pants around his ankles, holding an industrial-sized package of toilet paper like it was the last thing on earth.
Their eyes met.
But wait—Marc knew that face.
“NICK?! From the account department?!”
Nick’s face went from red to purple.
Nick: “Marc… What’s happening man—”
Marc: “Didn’t you call in sick today?”
Before Nick could answer, another man walked in—wearing a tie and a businessman corporate lanyard.
Marc: “Nick,” the man said, Why are you at Walmart? You called in sick.”
Marc didn’t wait to hear the explanation. He grabbed his wallet, speed-walked past the entire disaster, and called Jennifer back.
Marc: “Baby, you will NOT believe what I just saw.”
Jennifer: Marcus, I swear, if you’re about to tell me another long story—
Marc: You remember that dude I worked with named Nick?
Jennifer: Yeah a little, why?
Marc: This fool from Nick’s job caught him with his pants down—LITERALLY—at his ankles in Walmart bathroom after he called in sick!”
Jennifer: WHAT?! Are you serious?
Marc: And that ain’t even the craziest part! This man threatened to beat me up while I was on the phone with you!”
“HE WHAT?!”
“I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU—there was
this idiot answering all my questions!”
Jennifer was silent for a moment.
Jennifer: Marc, baby, are you high? Did you eat something weird?”
Marc: I’M TELLING YOU WHAT HAPPENED!
Jennifer: Uh huh. Did you get the hot sauce?
Marc looked down in his shopping bag. Three packs of chicken. No hot sauce.
Marc: I gotta call you back.
Three Months Later
Marc started a podcast called “Bathroom Chronicles: Tales from the Stall” where he interviews people about their most embarrassing public restroom experiences.
Episode one features Nick and his job hunting. And an anonymous caller who goes by “Weasel Guy.”
The episode has 2.3 million downloads.
Keisha still brings up the hot sauce.
Marc still checks every stall before doing what he has to do.
And since the podcast Nick has found a job at Walmart.
The original story A “Conversation Through The Bathroom Stall”