[ANCHOR DESK — CHANNEL 9 HAMPTON VALLEY]
Theme music plays. Anchor straightens tie.
ANCHOR DARIUS WASHINGTON:
Good evening, Hampton Valley.
I’m Darius Washington, and I want you to know before we get into this story
I looked my producer dead in the eye and said “are you serious right now.” She was.
Our top story tonight out of Portsmouth.
A man has been taken into custody after allegedly doing something that has left medical professionals, law enforcement, and the entire Tri-City area asking the same damn question:
…HOW, SIR?
[CUT TO FIELD REPORTER TAMIKA PRICE — OUTSIDE PORTSMOUTH CITY JAIL]
TAMIKA:
Darius, I am standing outside Portsmouth City Jail where Kevon Loss, 28, is being held tonight after allegedly — and again I need to stress the word allegedly — sucking a woman’s uterus so good she backed out. Her words my soul left my body.
Authorities say the suspect arrived at the scene carrying a tongue depressor with “I SNATCH SOULS” written on it and his T-shirt.
Now Darius I have questions.
Did he PLAN this? Did he wake up, pack a bag, picked up a tongue depressor, and say “today is the day?”
Portsmouth Police say yes. Apparently nothing deterred this man. Not logic. Not weather. Not a single municipal ordinance.
Back to you.
[BACK AT ANCHOR DESK]
ANCHOR DARIUS:
Tamika… I appreciate your dedication.
Please go home and drink some water after this.
Now city officials were asked to comment.
Their response, and I quote directly from the official statement:
“We have had a long week and a short budget.”
Honestly? Portsmouth.
[CUT TO MAN-ON-THE-STREET INTERVIEWS]
NEIGHBOR MS. BRENDA, 54:
“I told y’all something was off about him. He was staring at women’s stomachs the whole time at the cookout. THE WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.”
YOUNG DUDE FROM THE BLOCK:
“Bro wrote ‘I SNATCH SOULS’ on a tongue depressor and his T-shirt. That’s premeditation AND a can he teach me his technique.”
RANDOM WOMAN WALKING BY:
“I’m moving. I’m calling my cousin in Charlotte. I’m done.”
[BACK TO ANCHOR]
ANCHOR DARIUS:
Investigators confirm there are no physical injuries which raises even MORE questions that this broadcast is not medically equipped to answer.
What IS confirmed is that common sense has suffered tremendously, and is listed in critical condition at Sentara Norfolk General.
Mr. Kevon Loss remains in Portsmouth City Jail while officials determine whether this constitutes as a crime, a cry for help, or and I quote the official report — “just another Tuesday.”
[CLOSING]
ANCHOR DARIUS:
We will continue to follow this story as it develops. We will try and get in contact with the victims for what really happened.
I need everyone watching tonight to go hug somebody you trust, lock your doors, and check on your organs.
I’m Darius Washington. Channel 9 News.
Goodnight Hampton Valley.
…God help us all.
— Channel 9 News. Hampton Valley Most Trusted. Barely.